Disenfranchised grief. I’ve been living it. And I know so many of you are too.
You see, a year ago a career and I broke up. We parted ways after 15 years. We had good years and bad years and we stuck together even when we shouldn’t have, but we had this complex codependent relationship. We weren’t always the best to each other. But when it ended it was devastating. I didn’t really know who I was without it. I had a “plan” and had mentally prepared for the day that we officially divorced but what followed over the rest of this year I couldn’t have even imagined. It turns out starting over is really fucking hard. Even when you want to.
Disenfranchised grief means that others can’t see your grief. It’s invisible. Because you are “doing so well” and the loss of the job or death of a pet or end of a “not serious” relationship or termination of a pregnancy or miscarriage doesn’t have a social loss template. We just don’t know how to sit in profound grief with the ones we love who are in loss like this. People want us to move on. They are almost begging us because it’s so uncomfortable – for them.
Over this last year I’ve had some wins. I leaned into my practice, started a new opportunity in consulting services, met new people, went to Europe, did some fantastic training with therapy superheros, did my own therapy, swam in really cold lakes, drove east and west on my own, sang out loud in a stadium of 60k people and watched my amazing kids grow. I’ve learned to (mostly) manage the wave of emotions like fear, anxiety and sadness. I’ve figured out my triggers and gotten to know them in the most intimate of ways. I’ve learned to face myself in my most darkest moments.
But every single day I’ve grieved the loss of my work family. My social network. The stability and comfort of the usual. I’ve cried more tears than I ever have in my life. This career divorce cracked me open and brought out old wounds like nothing I could have ever dreamed.
I think it’s important to talk about disenfranchised grief. We need to see it in ourselves and in others. We need to catch ourselves when we minimize loss.
Because getting uncomfortable my dear humans is not optional.